Excerpts from Marriages, Shack-Ups, and Other Disasters
In his book The Future of the Family, the late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan pointed out that, "The biggest change is that the family structure has come apart in the North Atlantic world, a historical instant that was not imaginable 40 years ago."
I agree with him. Looking back over these last 40 years, I am also overwhelmed by the consequences these societal changes have brought about. When relationships fail and lives are ruined, when children need guidance and parents aren't there to give it to them, when we overspend our credit and can no longer meet the payments, we finally come to realize that something is wrong in our world.
We are in a mess! It's time for some plain talk.
Making decisions on the basis of what is "cool" will eventually cause us to lose control over our lives. It is just not good enough to decide on anything without considering all the possible consequences.
Let's take a look at how some of today's "cool" decisions work out in reality.
The Army National Guard is composed primarily of traditional Guardsmen, civilians who serve their country, state and community on a part-time basis. For state missions, the governor commands the Guard forces. The President of the United States can also activate the National Guard for participation in federal missions, including deployment to Bosnia and Kosovo for stabilization operations and to the Middle East and other locations in the war on terrorism. The recruit is promised an enlistment bonus of up to $80,000 plus college benefits of up to $ 70,000 after an honorable discharge.
Chuck, age 19, enlisted in the National Guard. Many of his friends had joined before him. His father was a war veteran. It was just like going on a trip, finding out what the rest of the world looked like. Real "cool."
But while on patrol in Iraq on November 13, 2005, a sniper wounded Chuck. The bullet hit him just above and behind his left eyebrow and exited the right side. It was only five days from the time that he was regarded as extremely critical until he could be moved from Iraq to Germany for treatment. Once in Germany, he was kept for only one day until he was moved to Walter Reed Medical Center in Washington, D.C.
Chuck's injuries were such that only a small part of his brain was damaged. In a short time, he was ready to be moved from Walter Reed Hospital to a military Rehabilitation Trauma Brain Injury hospital. But that was delayed because of an overload of paperwork required. Somehow Chuck got lost in the paperwork. Now his memory is bad, his vision and hearing are affected, and he cannot walk.
Some of the bitter truths about military service are hidden like treasures. But young men have the most remarkable ability to alchemize these bitter truths into an innocuous but piquant confection and to transform the moral contradictions into a proud decoration, like those given for heroism on the battlefield. Somehow, this is real "cool."
Crystal methamphetamine, or speed, is a chemical stimulant that affects the central nervous system. It is a mood elevator and is known to induce bursts of euphoria, increase alertness and reduce fatigue. Crystal meth is highly addictive. Its allure is not hard to understand. It removes inhibitions, bolsters confidence, supercharges the libido and heightens the intensity of sex. The first thing people lose is their common sense.
All users, not just addicts, suffer some long-term damage to the brain; memory loss and paranoia are common. It takes hard work to behave like an adult. It takes discipline to grow up, behave responsibly. Take care of yourself and each other.
Crystal meth gave Paul a "sense of well-being." He liked the effects of meth, not wanting to know that his addiction could turn his life upside down. The meth symptoms made Paul think that he was on top of the world.
In the end he could not hold a job. His addiction left him homeless. It kept him on the streets and involved him in a robbery with another addict. Thrown into jail, his fellow inmates told him that meth was taking a toll on him, and that he needed to seek treatment.
But Paul did not stay with the treatment.
The side door had a glass window. That made it easy. He forced it with a screwdriver. The glass shattered on the inside. He reached for the doorknob and pressed the handle. Using his knee the door gave in.
It was dark, quiet inside the house. He tiptoed up four steps and waited. He had to think, find his way. What the fuck was the matter with him anyhow? What the hell was he doing here? Oh, yes, right! That was it, right! The cash! Did he hear something? He looked up. It had come from upstairs. Right! That was it, the cash! He remembered. The office! Yes, the office was to the right. Just beyond the stairs.
He grasped his way around the desk. He forced the drawer. Where the hell was that flashlight anyhow? He couldn't see a fucking thing. Over there, right in back of the drawer, that's where he had watched him put the money. Yes, of course!
What the hell was that noise? He looked up. Someone had switched on the lights.
"What d'you think you're you doing here?"
Some old geezer was standing at the door. Who the hell was he anyhow? Pointing some fucking shotgun at him. Hell, was this some kind of a joke?
"Why don't you go fuck yourself, Gramps!"
"What d'you think you're doing here?" The old man lifted the gun, pointing it at him. "You're one of them crazy boys."
"Go ahead, you old fart! Go ahead and shoot me! What the fuck d'you think you're doing anyhow?"
He felt for his piece . . . never took his eyes off the old fart . . . yes, it was right there in his pocket. Still, he had to ease up. This was not the way. Not worth a murder rap! Too fucking stupid. He'd just scare the old fart. "Go ahead, shoot!" He gave him a small grin. "You ain't got the nerve!"
But as he stepped around the desk, the old man pulled the trigger. Hit him right above the belly. Didn't hurt a bit! Even felt good. It was all a joke! The old man, the whole thing. The whole fucking world was all screwed up. No one really gave a shit!
But as his eyes grew heavy, they fell shut. "Ma, stop screaming at me! What the fuck! I didn't do a thing! Not a damned thing!"
Paul never made it. By the time the ambulance arrived, his heart had stopped beating. They gave him CPR. They stopped the bleeding. They tried a respirator. There was no response. The meth had made sure of that.
Life for young people is fraught with great difficulties. They have just too many choices and too little guidance. These choices have introduced some gross fallacies about life that has found wide currency:
The National Guard will take care of me: Not true!
Meth (drugs) alleviates the itch (pain): Not true!
The world out there is a safe place: Not true!
Never before in the history of mankind did we have more freedom of choice. And never before in our history have we had less direction on how to choose. We have thrown all the collective wisdom of generations overboard. And in the process of ignoring the importance of our common human values, we have opened our society to many false assumptions that have resulted in unending conflicts between new ideas and old allegiances. As defined by sociologist Christopher Lasch, we have become the "I" generation, endorsing the logo of a separate and individual reality. At best these new values are difficult to sort out and at worst, much too complicated to allow us to make informed decisions.
All these freedoms have resulted in an ever-greater degradation of relationships. Unless we can get a handle on them, we might end up destroying whatever is left of a still functioning social order. Unlike previous generations whose reality was a simple, universal model based on long-standing customs, today's decisions are based on private and often false assumptions. That is why we need to define our relationships. We need to clarify our personal needs and wants that determine our conjugal behavior.
The real tragedy is that most of us do not comprehend the consequences of this momentous shift in our social order. We do not yet understand why these new complexities do not lend themselves to the solutions of old. We do not yet comprehend why we can no longer judge each other by the measures of a common norm. We do not yet realize that we have fallen prey to every new gimmick and outlandish option that is being foisted on us by the trendsetters and corporate hustlers of the day.
Here we are then, at the dawn of the 21st century, trying to get along with one another, to find some congruence of purpose, to find some better ways to connect with each other. In spite of our avowed and cherished individualism, in spite of our seeming personal self-sufficiency, what is at stake here is our entire social network, the preservation of our common bonds.
Let's stand still for a moment! Let's look around and see what's going on!
By asking you to stand still and consider how you might want to interact with those who share your bed, with those who eat at your table and who are part of your social circle, I am offering you the best odds for digesting today's profusion of choices. Whatever these societal mutations have wrought, whatever utopia they have promised, in the end there is really only one utopia that will matter to all of us: a fulfilling life with our mate, a secure home for our offspring and a social life of open-mindedness and respect.
These are the reasons why we need to acquire some new communication skills. It is only by agreeing on some rules of encounter that we will find ways to resolve the inevitable conflicts inherent in our ill-defined society with dignity.
In Part I of this book, THE PROBLEM, I will elucidate and quantify the various faces of the new world we live in and point out our often inaccurate take on reality. In Part II, THE TOOLS, I will try to remedy our inclination to make blind choices by offering a process of decision-making by detailing the relevant, critical steps of Verbatim Therapy. In Part III, THE RESCUE, I will suggest some rules of encounter to the most common problems by particularizing specific interpersonal choices. And finally, in Part IV, THE DIALOGUES, I will model the complete process of solving the problems of excessive choice by showing how others have resolved their differences successfully.